Give me a sign
by BBCkilledthejoy
Summary: Cas is dead and Dean is broken up about it. He finds Cas' diary. I tried to write a sad Destiel story. I don't know how it went so it's up for you to decide. Reviews are very welcome


Dean was kneeling down at Castiel's grave. The sadness in his eyes, the loneliness, the cold, there weren't even a small hint of a spark, it was like Dean wasn't inside, like he was somewhere else, somewhere with Cas. A single tear ran down his cheek, he quickly whipped it off and put his hands together for a prayer. He used to do this everyday now. He hoped that Castiel can hear him

"_Cas, why did you leave? I needed you and I still do. Please, give me a sign that I'm not praying for nothing, tell me you can hear me. Cas, you should have taken me with you! If… If you thought you were saving my life you were wrong. You are my life, Cas. You… Nothing else matters in this crap hole. I'm alone Cas, I'm terribly alone… I brought you flowers, Sam made me do this, because that's what humans do they bring flowers, light a candle and forget but… but I just can't. I can't move on, hell I don't even want to. Cas please take me with you. I love you. I wish I've said that when I started feeling it, but I didn't and I'm sorry. Cas, since you've left there's been only one thought on my mind, I want to die. Death looks so welcoming, so good, if I die I can be with you. Cas, please, take me with you" _

Dean stands up and walks back to the car where Sam is waiting for him with a worried expression on his face:

"Dean, you can't keep torturing yourself. Cas is gone and he's not coming back. I'm sorry I really cared about him too. He did what he wanted no one made him. It was his choice, Dean. It's not your fault. Cas would want you to be happy." Dean was listening to his brother and he felt the anger growing in him:

"Not my fault? How is that not my fault, Sammy? Cas is dead. He died for me, he died protecting me. The son of a bitch, didn't even ask if I wanted to be saved, which I didn't. At least not at this cost. Sam, he was that one person that made me get out of bed, to keep on fighting and he's gone. So what's the point? What's the point to keep on living? What's the point of being happy? What's the point of fighting? There's nothing left for me to fight for, Sam. Death is the only thing I'm happy to welcome." Sam looked at him but didn't say anything. He saw how broken up his brother was, it was even worse than when their father died, so he knew that there are no words to make his pain fade away, there are no words to make this better, there is only time.

"Sam, should I leave you at the bar?" asked Dean still mad, clutching the wheel so hard his knuckles were white.

"Where are you going? What are you going to do, Dean?" there was pleading and fear in Sam's voice.

"I'm going to Cas' apartment. I'm not going to do anything stupid. Promise."

"Dean, you've spent there so much time already. Listen man, it's no good going in there every day it won't bring him back" Sam said in a comforting voice. "Maybe, maybe it's time we sell the apartment."

Dean stopped the car at the side of the road, he felt the blood in his veins pumping at ridiculous speed.

"No!" shouted Dean. "I'm not going to let the only thing that's left of Cas go away, you understand, me?" Sam sighed and nodded:

"The bar will be good"

"Fine, then."

Dean unlocked the door and walked in kicking his shoes off. Castiel was a neat bastard he always made Dean leave his shoes at the door so not to stain the carpet. Dean smiled to himself. He hated these things, when Cas was around he constantly refused to listen. Now he felt like it was the right thing to do. Hell, he even liked doing it, it made him feel Cas' presence. He headed to the bedroom and curled into Castiel's bed. The sheets still smelled like him: like an ocean, like heaven, like… like an angel. He opened the bottom drawer of the night stand and saw a notebook. A diary! Dean never knew that Cas was writing a diary. He didn't know if he should read this, but he couldn't resist the temptation. He opened the first page.

"**Today I was assigned a new human. Dean Winchester. He's a hunter and he has a brother Sam. He's not a believer so it will be a hard task, but I am up for a challenge. I'm glad Zachariah trust me enough to give such an important assignment. I am determined to perform well."**

Dean smiled, this was the old Cas. So uptight, so obedient if he would just stayed like that. He would be alive and kicking and Dean would be dead. Everything would be as it should. He opened another page in the middle of the diary

"**I never felt these feelings. I think I am considering disobedience. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid and lost. I've never been so disordered. I'm afraid to let ****my Father down. I'm afraid to let down everyone, but for some reason the thing I am most afraid of is to let Dean down. I don't know what I should do. If only God would talk to me."**

Dean can see Cas transforming into the man he loves. It brings the smile on his face – Cas so innocent, so lost.

"**I did the worst thing an angel can do. I disobeyed. This is the happiest moment of my existence. I finally started thinking for myself. I made my own choice. I don't know what's coming and what my behaviour will bring, but I'm excited. I did it for Him."**

Dean was taken aback. Was Castiel talking about him? Did he really abandoned all of his beliefs for him? For a human?

"**I think I'm becoming more and more human. I started drinking, it was fun and it tastes disgusting at first, but it makes you warm and unstable. I like the feeling, it's kind of like flying. I can't fly anymore as I'm cut off from heaven. But it's worth it. Now I understand why Anna chose to become a human: humans are stupid, greedy and unholy, but they ****have things that angels will never have. Friendship, love, devotion. I think Dean is angry with me. I want to fix things but I don't know how. He's very difficult to understand."**

Dean looks at the date of the entry, april 14th. Dean wasn't angry with Cas. It was a time when Dean started to understand that he sees Castiel as more than a friend. Dean's heart aches, he feels guilty, he knows he should have made that clear. He opens the last page and sees only one sentence.

"**I love you too"**

No date, no explanation. Dean looks at the entry before this one, the day Cas died. Dean's hands start shaking his breath becomes heavier, he feels his head starting to spin. This was made after Cas died. It's a sign Dean has been praying for! Only one thought in his mind: _I love you too! I love you too! I love you too!_

Dean grabs a pencil and carefully writes down

"**Not as much as I love you"**

Suddenly Dean feels an arm on his shoulder, he turns around but there's nothing there. Though he could have swore, he saw a shadow vanishing threw the open window.


End file.
